I’ve been working with grief a lot lately…knowing that my mom isn’t going to be around forever. It comes in waves…I’ll be fine for days, weeks, whatever and then something will trigger it and I’ll be a wreck. I know that it’s normal, but I’m still trying to work with it. I have a lot of inner dialogues….everyone looses their parents, it’s totally natural. I tell myself. It’s the way things are suppose to happen…loosing your mom or dad is the first big rift, the beginning of the realization that you are truly on your own from now on. Sure I have siblings…but it’s not the same. I also wonder how my relationship with my dad will change. i’ve been indulging in food therapy a lot this past week too…popcorn, chocolate, fries, pizza, cookies, all manner of bad for you food has helped me to feel good and be able to function at work.
I try to enjoy every day as fully as I can, knowing that all of this is impermanent. It saddens me though when I’m enjoying something and I think that my mom will never enjoy it too. Then I wonder what she’s seen that I never will, and that I will never know about because she doesn’t talk about her experiences. I’m hoping that will have changed…now that she knows she is ending her time this life, I hope she will open up some and share some stories.
I’m planning on heading down to the desert to visit with her later this week and I’m steeling myself for what I might experience. I’m hoping for an enjoyable time, but it sounds like she is pretty depressed and tired. Both of which I can sort of understand. I’m trying to think of all the different ways to cheer her up and help her to enjoy her last few days, weeks, months, however long she decides she wants.
In the meantime I need to find some black shoes for the dress I bought for her funeral–awhile ago I was in a panic thinking i didn’t have anything appropriate to wear so I found a nice dress on the sale rack at indian west on second street…now I just need shoes for it…and I need to save up money for the plane ticket back east when the time comes. I hope it’s not for awhile…but I feel it’ll be sooner rather than later.
Then at the same time that I’m working thru waves of grief, depression, sadness, thankfulness, etc I’m still working on the plan for a store. I’m thankful that the store isn’t open at the moment…that would be too much for me to handle probably.
I feel a little stretched out at the moment regardless.
Needless to say I really appreciate my time off from work and life. I try to carve out some time every week to just relax and be with myself.

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