So it’s been a little over a month since my mom passed away. I think I’ve worked it thru as well as I can…thinking back on the last few days of her life is still hard, and bittersweet. I think it always will be.
It’s funny though, it’s like my life has picked up momentum since then. A few weeks ago I had a dream in which she called me and asked me if I was ready to go to the inauguration…looking back I take that to be asking if I’m ready to enter the grown up world. Start doing the tasks that I’m here to do. In the dream I asked for 20 minutes to get ready. I think I need a bit more than that, but I don’t know that I’ll get it.
Kathy and I are going to submit a bid for a place to rent for our store. I need to get cracking on weaving items to sell…that could become a nice tidy side income for me. And I need to organize all the books that we have, so we will know what can be sold and what can be rental only.
I chopped my hair off, it’s now short (chin length) and layered. It looks cute and I feel lighter. It was a good choice to change my appearance to reflect the changes in my life.
Heading off to Ohio to intern my mom’s ashes at the beginning of July. That will be an adventure and a half. I haven’t been back there since I was 18 and recovering from my new found freedom at Radford. That was not a pretty time in my life, but I learned a lot from it. The most important thing that I learned there was to listen to myself not anyone else.
Right now myself is telling me that I am feeling restless. I hope all these changes will be enough to put that restlessness at ease. I find myself thinking back on my life more frequently. Remembering little things like ordering Domino’s pizza at 2 am while in Micah’s dorm room in Hampton Sydney college (I wonder where he is now)…Ren Faire memories…I remember walking to Johan’s apartment in Orebro in the cold with snow and ice around me, going shopping there and how fun and surreal it was. My first visit to Sweden and how sweet that was. The years spent with Capp, he did such an amazing job at building me up to be the person I am now. My years going to HSU and my friends from there…thinking many what-ifs about people from my past…what if I had done this and not that…? No regrets exactly…just gentle wonderings. And thru it all is this sadness that my mom didn’t know any of my adventures, she wasn’t privy to my challenges. That was my fault partly, I never took my problems to her…but it was also her’s. She never opened those doors for us to talk. It took her until I was over 30 to let me know that I shouldn’t have children…I look at myself and i wonder. Am I that hard to talk to? or was there some underlying issue that I will never know now?
I wonder.
I have always felt like my journal was my closest friend. I’m writing this blog entry like I write my journal entries…I hope it makes sense to anyone that reads it. ;)
I’ve always felt unprepared for life…is that normal? I understand that it doesn’t come with instructions but some gentle guidance would be nice. I feel that I get it from elsewhere but so many of my friends had gotten it from their mothers. Maybe it was me. I didn’t show enough interest. Didn’t ask the right questions. Every time I asked a question I’d get a “I don’t know ask (fill in the blank) ” . So I stopped approaching her with questions. I’d find things out on my own. I often felt like there was no time for me. No one explained things to me. So I escaped into other worlds and made up my own explanations.
I feel bad that I did not spend more time with my mom while she was ill, but I had my own things going on and i had no money to go visit or take time off. I remember apologizing for that in those last days and she just cried. She couldn’t talk too well at that point in time and really there was nothing to say. I just sat there with her, trying to be present and comforting.
I hope she has found peace and happiness on the other side. At least she’s no longer in pain. Now it’s just our job to figure out the puzzles she left behind and move forward with life….
what should I weave next?

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