My whole life I’ve had this fear of a certain group of people: Professional men, the guy in charge. I’m pretty sure my dad put it there, or my mom of my dad “Just you wait until your father comes home” still makes me shiver a little. I’ve spent years trying to avoid them and learn how to deal with my irrational fear (which I know holds me back). Now I’ve had one of these fearsome creatures show up in my life and get this, he wants to be friends. Here’s the story so far: Guy comes in the store, we start chatting, he’s new to the area so I give him my usual welcome to the area treatment, but there is something engaging about his energy so I continue talking with him (it was quiet that day anyway). Turns out he’s a PhD, former anthropology prof from So Cal, moved up here to write. He gives me his email to check out what he’s writing and I’m thinking “how can this guy be a professor? I like him”. So he leaves the store and I quickly google his name. Sure enough there he is. Damn. So I email him, since I had said I would, not really expecting anything to come from it. Now we are exchanging almost daily emails, just chatting about whatever happens to come up and he might get hired on at HSU. My little mind is spinning, here’s this person that I’ve been trying to avoid/deal with (or not) my whole life and I actually like him, and he not only seems to enjoy my company, but he also keeps encouraging me to write and be creative- the total opposite of my dad. Every time I make a mistake or a wrong choice I can hear my dads “oh very good, very smart” dripping with sarcasm. I knew I could never measure up, and as an adult I kept on waiting for those “people in charge” to figure out what a fuck-up I am and send me back whence I came. Turns out at least one of them thinks I may be worth something. How insane is that? He engages my intellect in a way that it hasn’t been in a long time. That was the only reason I was thinking of going back for my Master’s was the intellectual stimulation. Maybe if I find the right people I can have that with no debt (aside from a tab at a bar). Wouldn’t that be nice? So I’ve faced one of my fears and found it groundless…but I still don’t always know how to act around my new friend. I’m sure if we continue the friendship things will settle down and I’ll feel comfortable sitting in his apartment and chatting while eating chocolate cookies and drinking tea. That is unless he discovers that I’m just pretending to be this together and mature…

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