Dammas's Blog

Walking…

dammas — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 02:38:00 +0000

I’ve been waiting to write this..meaning to take my camera with me some morning when I walk to work, but it has not happened so perhaps I can try to make words weave the pictures…
Now that it is winter, I’ve started walking the two miles in to town to go to work. Biking isn’t as practical when it may rain (I hate riding my bike in the rain). So I bundle up against the cold, put on my walking shoes and head off. Everyday I see something new: somedays it’s a hawk or raptor gliding over the slough with the winter light glinting off his feathers. Other times it’s a ground hugging mist in the graveyard. I saw apple trees growing in the marshy lowlands, bright red apples glowing against the brown and grays of the marsh and sky. As I get closer to town I pass the shopping center where I do laundry every week. Invariably I am there at the same time as the seagulls and the seagull feeding lady. The gulls follow her from the store a few blocks to an empty lot, like a horde of loud raucous faeries and they fight over the bread she tosses out to them. After she’s done with the gulls she continues up the road and attracts a different crowd of followers, the crows (or ravens) who she feeds as she’s walking up 7th street…they follow after her hopping and cawing their thanks for the bread. Some days I’ll see the little old woman in her motorized wheelchair zipping down 7th street tossing handfuls of cat food to all the cats in the neighborhood. I walk past the homes that she leaves it at and see cats chowing down, some looking thin and skittish, while other look well taken care of. I suppose she doesn’t discriminate with her handouts. There is one house that looks abandoned except for the army of cats that hang out on the porch and walk way, she gives them multiple handouts.
I always find myself thoughtful for awhile after an encounter with the bird lady or the cat lady. I wonder what their worlds are like. Is this the highlight of their day? DO they go home to a crappy little apartment or a beautiful house? Are they cared for in the way that they apparently care for their chosen animals? I wonder if they are even real people or if they aren’t little bits of myth that slip out of their stories during the ‘tween time of morning and they retreat back into myth. I ponder what I can learn from them about generosity. and I smile. I appreciate the magic that they bring to my daily walk and I try to pass it on to others in my own small way. Many small blessings to all!

wordless wednesday…

dammas — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 04:39:19 +0000

Thoughts on Friendship…

dammas — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 01:58:10 +0000

My whole life I’ve had this fear of a certain group of people: Professional men, the guy in charge. I’m pretty sure my dad put it there, or my mom of my dad “Just you wait until your father comes home” still makes me shiver a little. I’ve spent years trying to avoid them and learn how to deal with my irrational fear (which I know holds me back). Now I’ve had one of these fearsome creatures show up in my life and get this, he wants to be friends. Here’s the story so far: Guy comes in the store, we start chatting, he’s new to the area so I give him my usual welcome to the area treatment, but there is something engaging about his energy so I continue talking with him (it was quiet that day anyway). Turns out he’s a PhD, former anthropology prof from So Cal, moved up here to write. He gives me his email to check out what he’s writing and I’m thinking “how can this guy be a professor? I like him”. So he leaves the store and I quickly google his name. Sure enough there he is. Damn. So I email him, since I had said I would, not really expecting anything to come from it. Now we are exchanging almost daily emails, just chatting about whatever happens to come up and he might get hired on at HSU. My little mind is spinning, here’s this person that I’ve been trying to avoid/deal with (or not) my whole life and I actually like him, and he not only seems to enjoy my company, but he also keeps encouraging me to write and be creative- the total opposite of my dad. Every time I make a mistake or a wrong choice I can hear my dads “oh very good, very smart” dripping with sarcasm. I knew I could never measure up, and as an adult I kept on waiting for those “people in charge” to figure out what a fuck-up I am and send me back whence I came. Turns out at least one of them thinks I may be worth something. How insane is that? He engages my intellect in a way that it hasn’t been in a long time. That was the only reason I was thinking of going back for my Master’s was the intellectual stimulation. Maybe if I find the right people I can have that with no debt (aside from a tab at a bar). Wouldn’t that be nice? So I’ve faced one of my fears and found it groundless…but I still don’t always know how to act around my new friend. I’m sure if we continue the friendship things will settle down and I’ll feel comfortable sitting in his apartment and chatting while eating chocolate cookies and drinking tea. That is unless he discovers that I’m just pretending to be this together and mature…

you say you want a revolution?

dammas — Mon, 26 Sep 2011 03:36:43 +0000

I’m watching in amazement the whole Occupy wall street protest, I’m hoping it will peacefully grow bigger and spread. It seems to be doing just that with similar protests being planned across the country (and even the world!). I think the lack of media coverage just highlights to even MORE people how bought and sold we as a country are…so I sort of feel that it plays into the hands of the protestors in an odd sort of way. Anyway, I just wanted to put that thought/dream out there of peaceful change…

https://occupywallst.org/

http://www.occupytogether.org

The revolution will not be televised but it will be facebooked and tweeted. Oh yes it will!

Dalai Lama on peace after 9/11

dammas — Thu, 15 Sep 2011 14:02:49 +0000

After Sept. 11, yearning for peaceful co-existence
by Dalai Lama on Sunday, September 11, 2011 at 1:58am

Today, as we mark the tenth anniversary of the September 11th 2001 attacks on New York and Washington DC, let us remember all the innocent lives lost and ponder the continuing impact of that tragic day. September 11th reminds us of the horror we human beings can unleash on ourselves when we allow our human intelligence and powerful technology to be overtaken by hatred.

We need to learn from our painful memories of September 11th and become more aware of the destructive consequences that arise when we give in to feelings of hatred. This tragedy in particular has reinforced my belief that fostering a spirit of peaceful co-existence and mutual understanding among the world’s peoples and faith traditions is an urgent matter of importance to us all. We must therefore make every effort to ensure that our various faith traditions contribute to build a more caring, peaceful world.

The Dalai Lama

September 9, 2011

Originally published in the Washington Post on September 10, 2011.

Forgiveness…

dammas — Thu, 15 Sep 2011 04:31:23 +0000

Heh, I hope this makes sense, I’m not going to go back and edit it…just posting as is. Flow of consciousness….begin

So the 10th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks was a few days ago, the news was overwhelmed with stories about it, honoring it etc. My Facebook newfeed was full of people asking “where were you when the planes hit the towers?” and posting quotes about remembering, and honoring. As I looked at these, I started thinking, “wow, it’s been 10 years?! and what has happened..have we moved forward at all?” the conclusion I came to is no, we are still stuck in victim mode. So then I posted on Facebook “I’m seeing a lot this morning about remembering and honoring, but nothing, not a single peep, about forgiveness. Without that how can we hope of moving forward to a peaceful co-existence. ” and a link to the Dalai Lama’s comments on it…which was about heading towards a peaceful co-existance. (I’ll post that later). The responses I got have had me thinking for a few days now. The “friends” of mine that “liked” it were all pagan. I had four people tell me that they couldn’t forgive the terrorists. And I had one call me unrealistic after I explained that I try to understand where others come from so that I can forgive them…Now, I take being called unrealistic by that specific individual a complement but it got me thinking and it made me sad, that people can’t even begin to think about forgiveness…it’s mentalities like this that will keep wars going for centuries, the old Hatfield-McCoy feud ideal. When will we learn that this thought process brings nothing but sorrow to the world? How many more stories and fables have to be written to bring it home to people that forgiveness is truly the only way forward? How many more lives? Geez, I don’t have an answer to the worlds problems, but I do know that if we look after ourselves and get our own shit in order, then the rest of our life will follow and it ripples out from there “When the people lead, the leaders will follow”. I had so many responses to the person that called me unrealistic in my point of view…none of them were nice, so I didn’t post them…but part of what I did say in response is that at least I’m attempting to imagine a world of peace and understanding. instead of standing there saying “oh no, I couldn’t even TRY to do THAT..forgiveness…no that would be wrong” It’s like the GOP debate that just happened (I didn’t watch it but I do watch the Daily Show and got the amazing highlights of people applauding Perry with his death penalty, and poor Ron Paul being caught with the coma question..and people basically yelling out to let the coma guy die) when did we become this callous, me-centered place? It makes me feel ill just thinking about it. Anyways, enough of a political rant, I was going to write about forgiveness…
So the above facebook discussion got me thinking about forgiveness a lot. Some things I’ve noticed:
It’s easier to forgive people that are removed from you than your friends and relatives.
Forgiveness does not equal condoning what’s been done. To me forgiveness means an acknowledgement that we are all humans and we all make mistakes. We all come from different backgrounds, different stories, and trying to understand those stories is key to trying to forgive actions, but understanding, acknowledging, digging around for compassion and understanding does not mean that I condone the attacks, or Hitler, or Darfur or any of those horrific things that humans have done. I see it all as part of the tragedy that is life, until we can all awaken from our collective sleep. Hate and fear are part of that collective sleep. Things that keep us separated are part of that collective sleep. What if I wasn’t being unrealistic but rather being a revolutionary? Maybe the silent revolution that is taking effect is people waking up from the nightmare. Once more of us wake up, then maybe we can start to work on forgiving ourselves, and then the true healing can take place in this country and the world. But then again, maybe i’m just unrealistic, and a dreamer. And now good night!

Wonder wanderings

dammas — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 05:51:45 +0000

I’ve been thinking about wonder a lot lately. Ever since the hummingbird visited me a few weeks ago and I observed my mind trying to rationalize it away. Trying to make it a normal experience.
Every time I brush up against divinity my mind does that…tries to forget or make the experience as mundane as possible, I guess that is why my first impulse after such an experience is to share it with someone.

I just read chp 7 in WInd and the Willows, where Rat and Mole meet the Friend and Helper (Pan/Nature)…it is so well written and made me remember how I tend to explain away my experiences. Pan makes them forget the meeting so that it wouldn’t sour the rest of their lives, since nothing can compare to the bliss of being so close to the divine. I can relate but for me it isn’t anything other than my own mind trying to cope, trying to fit the experience into the “world as I know it” (as Charles de Lint says)
I think enlightenment and madness must go hand in hand

Pratchett talks about the wonder of life in a similar way, saying (among other things) that boredom is one of humanities most amazing coping mechanisms. In a world where flowers bloom and life in all it’s glory happens, the fact that we can get bored in the midst of it all IS amazing.
Why do our minds shut out the wonder?
I’ve had moments very similar to when Rat and Mole approached the island of Pan. Moments when everything seemed more real, more itself, than ever before. Those are the moments that I feel like I’ve reclaimed the child like wonder that I miss. They are mere moments though…but they sometimes seem like they could encompass a whole lifetime.
I couldn’t imagine being able to take a moment like that and live in it for the rest of my life. That must be what enlightenment is…that amazing bliss, wonder at life. At the center of it all is Love. This amazing deep abiding love that fills everything, humbles us all, and brings such joy that it’s impossible to express with words.
Wonder. Love. Joy. Bliss.
Four amazing powerful words for me to meditate on tonight.

Mother May I?

dammas — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 02:39:48 +0000

So it’s been a little over a month since my mom passed away. I think I’ve worked it thru as well as I can…thinking back on the last few days of her life is still hard, and bittersweet. I think it always will be.
It’s funny though, it’s like my life has picked up momentum since then. A few weeks ago I had a dream in which she called me and asked me if I was ready to go to the inauguration…looking back I take that to be asking if I’m ready to enter the grown up world. Start doing the tasks that I’m here to do. In the dream I asked for 20 minutes to get ready. I think I need a bit more than that, but I don’t know that I’ll get it.
Kathy and I are going to submit a bid for a place to rent for our store. I need to get cracking on weaving items to sell…that could become a nice tidy side income for me. And I need to organize all the books that we have, so we will know what can be sold and what can be rental only.
I chopped my hair off, it’s now short (chin length) and layered. It looks cute and I feel lighter. It was a good choice to change my appearance to reflect the changes in my life.
Heading off to Ohio to intern my mom’s ashes at the beginning of July. That will be an adventure and a half. I haven’t been back there since I was 18 and recovering from my new found freedom at Radford. That was not a pretty time in my life, but I learned a lot from it. The most important thing that I learned there was to listen to myself not anyone else.
Right now myself is telling me that I am feeling restless. I hope all these changes will be enough to put that restlessness at ease. I find myself thinking back on my life more frequently. Remembering little things like ordering Domino’s pizza at 2 am while in Micah’s dorm room in Hampton Sydney college (I wonder where he is now)…Ren Faire memories…I remember walking to Johan’s apartment in Orebro in the cold with snow and ice around me, going shopping there and how fun and surreal it was. My first visit to Sweden and how sweet that was. The years spent with Capp, he did such an amazing job at building me up to be the person I am now. My years going to HSU and my friends from there…thinking many what-ifs about people from my past…what if I had done this and not that…? No regrets exactly…just gentle wonderings. And thru it all is this sadness that my mom didn’t know any of my adventures, she wasn’t privy to my challenges. That was my fault partly, I never took my problems to her…but it was also her’s. She never opened those doors for us to talk. It took her until I was over 30 to let me know that I shouldn’t have children…I look at myself and i wonder. Am I that hard to talk to? or was there some underlying issue that I will never know now?
I wonder.
I have always felt like my journal was my closest friend. I’m writing this blog entry like I write my journal entries…I hope it makes sense to anyone that reads it.
I’ve always felt unprepared for life…is that normal? I understand that it doesn’t come with instructions but some gentle guidance would be nice. I feel that I get it from elsewhere but so many of my friends had gotten it from their mothers. Maybe it was me. I didn’t show enough interest. Didn’t ask the right questions. Every time I asked a question I’d get a “I don’t know ask (fill in the blank) ” . So I stopped approaching her with questions. I’d find things out on my own. I often felt like there was no time for me. No one explained things to me. So I escaped into other worlds and made up my own explanations.
I feel bad that I did not spend more time with my mom while she was ill, but I had my own things going on and i had no money to go visit or take time off. I remember apologizing for that in those last days and she just cried. She couldn’t talk too well at that point in time and really there was nothing to say. I just sat there with her, trying to be present and comforting.
I hope she has found peace and happiness on the other side. At least she’s no longer in pain. Now it’s just our job to figure out the puzzles she left behind and move forward with life….
what should I weave next?

Grief

dammas — Mon, 03 May 2010 01:30:45 +0000

I’ve been working with grief a lot lately…knowing that my mom isn’t going to be around forever. It comes in waves…I’ll be fine for days, weeks, whatever and then something will trigger it and I’ll be a wreck. I know that it’s normal, but I’m still trying to work with it. I have a lot of inner dialogues….everyone looses their parents, it’s totally natural. I tell myself. It’s the way things are suppose to happen…loosing your mom or dad is the first big rift, the beginning of the realization that you are truly on your own from now on. Sure I have siblings…but it’s not the same. I also wonder how my relationship with my dad will change. i’ve been indulging in food therapy a lot this past week too…popcorn, chocolate, fries, pizza, cookies, all manner of bad for you food has helped me to feel good and be able to function at work.
I try to enjoy every day as fully as I can, knowing that all of this is impermanent. It saddens me though when I’m enjoying something and I think that my mom will never enjoy it too. Then I wonder what she’s seen that I never will, and that I will never know about because she doesn’t talk about her experiences. I’m hoping that will have changed…now that she knows she is ending her time this life, I hope she will open up some and share some stories.
I’m planning on heading down to the desert to visit with her later this week and I’m steeling myself for what I might experience. I’m hoping for an enjoyable time, but it sounds like she is pretty depressed and tired. Both of which I can sort of understand. I’m trying to think of all the different ways to cheer her up and help her to enjoy her last few days, weeks, months, however long she decides she wants.
In the meantime I need to find some black shoes for the dress I bought for her funeral–awhile ago I was in a panic thinking i didn’t have anything appropriate to wear so I found a nice dress on the sale rack at indian west on second street…now I just need shoes for it…and I need to save up money for the plane ticket back east when the time comes. I hope it’s not for awhile…but I feel it’ll be sooner rather than later.
Then at the same time that I’m working thru waves of grief, depression, sadness, thankfulness, etc I’m still working on the plan for a store. I’m thankful that the store isn’t open at the moment…that would be too much for me to handle probably.
I feel a little stretched out at the moment regardless.
Needless to say I really appreciate my time off from work and life. I try to carve out some time every week to just relax and be with myself.

Spring

dammas — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 03:49:50 +0000

Today was one of those amazingly perfect early spring days. They don’t happen often, but I was stuck at work for most of it and needless to say work was quiet. The highlight of my day was when I wrote a permission slip for a customer…I gave her permission to use her money on herself. I told her that she deserves it! I got the feeling, after talking to her that she is one of those that doesn’t allow herself anything, everything has to be given away to others. Not always healthy…kind of like me.
and now I must go since my BF is needing attention….